a useful question to ask when analyzing who has power in a group is: who has the ability to say no?

when you have a “choice” but the only acceptable choice is to say yes, that is not a choice. if you receive nothing but negative consequences by saying no, then that “choice” is not free. it is imbalanced. the scale looks like a seesaw.

a “joke” I heard growing up was the idea of turning down a date with an obviously fake excuse. the two main examples I heard were

“sorry, I can’t, I have to rearrange my sock drawer that night.”

and

“sorry, I already have plans. I have to wash my hair.”

the humor is dependent on the idea that it would be absurd or at least unacceptable to just say no. saying “no, I’m not interested” is just not an option.

at church the common wisdom was that girls should never say no to a date (that is, if the boy asking was from church, of course). girls should not say no. they should “give the guy a chance.”

apparently it only counts as “a chance” if you spend several hours alone with them on a preplanned date. you couldn’t know in advance that you weren’t interested in them. clearly, nothing can be deduced about a boy’s personality unless you spend several hours alone with him.

by the way, CURIOUSLY, another complaint against girls was that they “lead guys on” too often.

WHAT? telling girls you can’t turn a date down leads to girls going on dates with boys they’re not interested in? WHAT?! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE

the only way to both not turn down dates AND not lead anyone on is to just be interested in being the girlfriend of anyone who asks you out.

so, who has the power in this situation? if girls can’t say no, then if a boy wants to go out with someone, he gets to. his wishes become reality. if a girl were to ask him out (please note this carries a stigma in groups that encourage dating and not turning down dates, funnily enough), he could say no. in fact, he might even be encouraged to, since a girl who asks boys out might just be some desperate weirdo, after all. so if girls always have to say yes, then the boys of the group hold all of the power. the girls are dependent on the boys to initiate everything and are just sort of at the mercy of their whims.

who can say no without negative consequences? the one who has the power.