If I didn’t want to do something a friend at school invited me to, I was given the option to blame not “being able” to go on my mom. It wasn’t really elaborated on, but I’ve interpreted this to be an offer that was supposed to make it easier on me. I could turn someone down and say I wasn’t allowed to go. In other words, I could maintain this illusion that I actually wanted to go, so it wouldn’t—I don’t know—hurt the friend’s feelings or cause any sort of trouble.
There is a power in stating what you want or don’t want. A lot of times women and girls are coached to turn down people gently by making some excuse for why you can’t do something. All the emphasis is on treating the other person gently. There is no emphasis let alone any acknowledgement of being able to state what you want or don’t want.
What ends up happening sometimes though is that people who don’t want to take no for an answer will keep pushing you because they can take your excuse and adjust to it. If you say, “No, I can’t, I’m busy that day,” they’ll change the day. Then you have to make up a new excuse. Any reason you could come up with is actually just a shield! It’s not real! It’s not the truth and the real reason! The truth is “I’m not interested.”
Sometimes I imagine situations where someone like me isn’t setting boundaries or stating what they want clearly and is instead masking their preference to be “polite,” and I do this to show myself what happens and how it make things supremely unpleasant. State what you want, don’t make excuses, don’t rationalize your decision.
Trying to rationalize your decision implies that it could be wrong. I try and remember the principle of the burden of proof. The person making the less believable argument is the one who should be doing the explaining. So, in the case of a refused invitation, the person trying to convince you to come with them after you’ve said no is the one needing to explain themselves. Why the wheedling? Why can’t they accept your answer? How does it affect them? Why can’t they move on? Turn it around on them. You don’t always have to play defense.
Here is such an imaginary situation, which is based on true things I’ve witnessed or heard accounts of:
Jane is sitting alone at a table at a coffee shop, surrounded by books, working on schoolwork. A man approaches the table.
Man: Wow, you’ve got quite the spread here! Heh heh.
Jane: Yes.
M: Whatcha working on?
J: Homework.
M: Oh, what classes are you taking?
J: I really should focus on my work instead of talking.
M: Oh, I’m sure you’re doing fine. You deserve a break! Mind if I sit down?
J: I really should just focus.
M: It’s alright, I don’t bite! You shouldn’t work too hard. All work and no play….
Anyway, people often don’t see or they don’t care that you are politely saying no. They know all the ways to weasel around a “soft no.” Saying a definite no and just repeating that without trying to rationalize it is the stronger option.
Back to turning down school friends:
I get the feeling that a main point of being able to blame my inability to come on my mom was to maintain the relationship with the friend. I think that to my mom, having a friend distance themselves was something that had to be avoided at all costs. It was better to have a group of friends around you who you maybe didn’t even particularly like than to have no one, or to work on finding new friends who you’d actually be happy to hang out with.
If I told a friend, “No thanks, I’m not interested” because of the activity and they reacted badly and wouldn’t accept it…well, maybe that isn’t such a good friend? You simply stating an activity that they like to do doesn’t interest you shouldn’t disqualify you from friendship.
I get the feeling that a lot of my mom’s behavior boils down to: No, you can’t tell them what you really think! Then they may not like you.
It’s not pleasant to be liked by everyone though. That means you’re dulling yourself, watering yourself down, to be palatable to everyone with any taste. You get some illusion of protection, being surrounded by people. But they don’t really like you. They like a really weak version of you.
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